5 Signs You’re Not Ready to Date (And That’s Okay)

Shade Goddess
Jan 1
3 min read

Let me start with a confession.

After my first marriage ended, I thought I was ready to date. I said all the right things. I smiled through the pain. I told myself, “I’m good. I’ve healed. I deserve love.”

But looking back now?

I wasn’t ready. Not even close.

And here’s the part we don’t talk about enough: not being ready doesn’t mean you’re broken—it means you’re human.

So if you’re standing at the edge of the dating pool, dipping your toe in, then pulling it right back out—this is for you. Let’s talk about the signs you might not be ready to date yet… and why that’s not a failure, but an invitation.

1. You’re Dating to Distract, Not to Connect

Be honest—are you dating because you’re lonely, bored, or trying to prove something?

When I first stepped back into dating, I wasn’t looking for connection. I was looking for relief.

Relief from silence. Relief from grief. Relief from having to sit with myself.

If dating feels like a way to avoid your feelings instead of share your life, that’s not chemistry—that’s anesthesia.

✨ Pause Point: If being alone feels unbearable, dating won’t fix that. It will only delay the lesson.

2. Your Past Relationship Still Has a Front-Row Seat

If your ex is still the main character in your thoughts, conversations, or emotional reactions—your heart hasn’t moved out yet.

I remember going on dates where I was physically present but emotionally somewhere else, replaying old arguments, old betrayals, old disappointments. I was measuring new people against old wounds.

That’s not fair—to them or to you.

✨ Truth Bomb: Healing isn’t about forgetting the past. It’s about not letting it drive the car.

3. You’re Seeking Validation Instead of Alignment

This one is sneaky.

When you’re not ready to date, compliments hit differently. Attention feels intoxicating. Being “chosen” feels like proof that you’re still worthy.

But here’s the catch: When validation is the goal, red flags start looking beige.

You overlook incompatibility because it feels good to be desired. You ignore your intuition because you don’t want to be alone again.

✨ Gentle Reminder: You don’t need someone else to confirm your value. That work is inside.

4. Your Boundaries Are Still Negotiable

If you’re bending, shrinking, or explaining away your needs just to keep someone interested—it’s a sign you’re not fully anchored in yourself yet.

After my marriage, I thought I knew my boundaries. But what I really had were ideas, not embodied standards. I hadn’t practiced enforcing them without guilt.

And dating will test every boundary you haven’t healed.

✨ Ask Yourself: Can I walk away without explaining myself to death? Can I say no without fear of

abandonment?

If not, pause. Strengthen that muscle first.

5. You’re Rushing the Outcome

If you’re already planning the future on date two—or panicking because it isn’t going anywhere fast enough—that urgency is a signal.

Rushing usually means fear is in the driver’s seat:

Fear of being alone
Fear of starting over
Fear of “wasting time”

But alignment doesn’t need pressure. Clarity doesn’t need force.

✨ Perspective Shift: You’re not behind. You’re becoming.

And Here’s the Most Important Part: That’s Okay

Not being ready to date doesn’t mean you’ll never be ready. It means your soul is asking for something deeper first.

Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is pause and say:

“I choose me right now.”

That season after my first marriage—the one where I thought I was ready but wasn’t—became one of the most transformative periods of my life. It taught me how to sit with myself, rebuild trust within, and redefine love from the inside out.

And that changed everything.

If you're in that in-between space right now—healing, rebuilding, figuring out who you are outside of what broke you—I see you.

This isn't just theory for me. It's lived experience.

And I've created resources specifically for this season:

🎙️ Listen to "Season of Self Love" – my podcast for anyone who's choosing themselves unapologetically, one episode at a time.

💬 Join the conversation on "Ask Nyomi: Bridging the Gap" – where we explore the real questions about love, sex, intimacy, and transformation that most people are afraid to ask out loud.

✨ Explore healing tools, honest guidance, and reclamation resources at AskNyomi.com – because you deserve support that doesn't sugarcoat the journey.

You don't have to figure this out alone.